Monday, April 09, 2007

Hot Air

Now that the scientists on the Supreme Court have classified CO2 as a pollutant, the time to act has come. To help my liberal Democrat and environmental friends out, I would like to propose the following legislation as one small attempt to address the global warming problem. I call it “Three Breaths and You’re Out.”

This simple but forceful initiative will help to alleviate one of the major human problems causing CO2 – breathing. Since people (especially Republican capitalist conservatives) tend to be very selfish, they take many more breaths than they should. Studies have shown that Americans take at least 25% of all the breaths in the world despite being only 5% of the population. My proposal would encourage people to be more compassionate towards their fellow man by reducing their current 10-12 breaths per minute down to a more sensible level of 6-8 breaths. This is not as difficult as it may sound.

If people just chill a little, relax, and stop getting so worked up about silly things like work, family concerns, and blindly attacking countries we don’t like, we could easily hit these new breathing reduction targets. An additional benefit would also be provided to our economy. Industries such as Yoga and Transcendental Meditation would likely see huge growth spurts and their employment ranks could rapidly swell. Also, population control and reduction would be enhanced because heavy breathing was no longer tolerated.

Since we all know that voluntary proposals like this usually don’t work, the federal government will be happy to join in the effort. Once they make the program mandatory, any offender who exceeds the new breathing targets three times will have a plastic bag placed over his head. This will ensure compliance and avoid any future non-conformity.

While it is impossible to know how George Bush will respond (science hasn’t yet determined if mindless muttering increases or decreases CO2 output), the previous administration embodies the characteristics required to model behaviors that will make the program successful. Al Gore, the former VP, doctor, and Oscar winning actor for pretending to be a climatologist, has so much self-control he hasn’t taken a breath in several years. Although not able to match the yeoman feats of his former understudy, former President Bill Clinton at least goes halfway by not inhaling. With stalwart examples like these, how can any of us fail to do our part?

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